i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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