My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
