I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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