She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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