I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Found the puke drawer
We have so much sex to catch up on
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I am one with the molecules
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
