woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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