OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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