A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
