Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Randomize
