I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
