hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
