he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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