I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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