Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
