I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I need water and some morals
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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