I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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