This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
