Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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