i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Text me some of your sweat
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