i jhust puked up my retainher.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
