woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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