mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
