The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
