speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
