in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
