My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
