My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You pole danced in your parka.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
