I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
