I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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