he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
