I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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