There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
