On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
