My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
