Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
