3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
