I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
my sisters under your porch take her home
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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