I wish I only lived at night.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
