how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
