I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
