She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
