Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Randomize
