dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Randomize
