You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You had me at "let me see your balls"
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
