She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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