I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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