I love black thongs
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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