that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
My feet surprised me
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
