I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
my phone needs a breathalizer
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
