Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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