yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
